“I’m trying to be in a good mood.”
A text to mum. A dab of whiskey in my morning coffee.
Too much free time will destroy you. If you are not at peace with yourself, this free time can take you deep into the dark–it can lead you down terrible paths you swore you’d try to avoid, but still end up stumbling upon.
Ah, yes. Free time. I hate free time, though I find myself having too much of it. I am not in school, I am not working full time, and I barely seem to have any hobbies. I’ve grown to hate free time and the stress of my wandering mind that comes along with it.
Another sip of a slightly boozed-up coffee.
I’m getting lunch with mum today. I have grown to enjoy spending time with my parents more than ever. That’s probably a good thing, right? After all, they are the ones who I used to do anything to avoid, but now cling too. They are the only ones that will stop their busy lives if I am truly in need. I am lucky to have them.
Now, thanks to my mum, my afternoon will be spent catching up and eating ramen before my doctor’s appointment instead of sitting around doing nothing or something like that. Yes, I am lucky. Very lucky.
Another chug of coffee. Now I just have to wait for my mum to get here.
Side-note: And with that, I stood up–managing to knock my coffee over, spilling it across my desk, letting it rush off the sides onto shoes and into an old box filled with makeup and a variety of odds and ends.
There we have it. No more coffee for me.
God, I hate my stubborn brain.
Every situation in life is different, yes, this I understand. But what I’ve also seemed to realize is that to accomplish a variation of simple steps. What “simple steps” am I talking about? Why, eat a healthy diet of course. Be active in one way or another. Get some sleep. All of these are so easy to say and yet so easy to do.
Eat the whole grains and stay balanced throughout the day? No, eat the fattiest thing you can find, and consume all (if not more) of your daily allotment of calories in under five minutes.
Be active? Ha. Too easy! Stay in bed despite the fact that you couldn’t sleep if you tried, and force yourself in to a state where you are even more tired than you were before. Love it!
Sorry, there really is not conclusion or anything to this. This is just a little and unorganized rant that I needed to spill from my brain.
Today I was scheduled to work a double at work. I was tired and in a daze, but thought that I could manage the shift. When the first customer came in and talked to me, my heart sunk. He was rude–ordered very specific non-menu items and told me that he wasn’t going to pay for it until he saw it. Normally, a customer with requests such as this wouldn’t affect me. But today? My head started spinning and my eyes started watering. I couldn’t hold back the tears–I walked out of my shift.
I was supposed to go on a break and then return in the evening, but even though I napped, did a bit of sorting, and ate (perhaps I overate, which I’m still trying to forgive myself for), I was still freaking out of the idea of going into my shift, so I didn’t go.
I feel bad for not going in, that’s for sure, but I understand that I would feel a hell of a lot worse if I had another meltdown when the restaurant was actually busy. I don’t feel well at all, but I needed to have this mental health day, and I’m going to try and stay sober the rest of the day.
Remember to focus on your mental health.
Breaking habits and bettering yourself is NOT easy. Leaving the bad behind is definitely easier said than done—but taking winding or the bumpy route often allows you to discover wonders that you might have missed upon the interstate. Don’t view your mistakes as mistakes.
It’s far too easy to fall back into your old ways. I’ve been trying to live each day without fear of the next, but that’s definitely easier said than done. Alcohol is a crutch for me, and I always seem to go back to it. I want to get back to sprinting on my own; I crave to be comfortable in a crowd, or by myself.
~ Baby steps~
Anyway, I’m going to try and overcome this period of absence from WordPress and try to be more present on this site. All social media has been deleted from my phone once again. Let’s see how this goes.
For a while I was writing on here every single day and I was feeling good about my progress. Then all of that stopped at once. This seems to be a pattern in my life–for a while, things will seem like they are all together and then that somewhat seems to just stop.
Well here I am today, writing in, or at least trying to.
I am not in a very good mindset at the moment, and that definitely does not make writing this a very easy thing to do.
Instead, it makes it a very difficult thing to do.
I think I’ll go back to bed now.
Last Sunday I wrote about brunch and progress. Though I plan on having my brunch later in the day, right now I’m going to talk about something that is definitely a part of brunch, but something much bigger in my spec of things. I’m talking alcohol.
Ah, yes. Where do I even begin with alcohol? It somewhat controls me. Actually, that is not quite true. I have come to realize that I can control the alcohol to some extent, though I definitely do struggle from alcoholic tenancies. So why do I drink?
I drink to escape my mind. I’m an over-thinker–I tend to keep to myself an analyze ever situation, and for me, drinking makes just going with the flow easier, despite the fact that is actually makes me look and feel stupid as I do things. Yesterday, for instance, I ended up drinking after work with people and having sex with a friend. These were things that I thought I would enjoy, but ended up not being all that pleased with. I wanted to drink with coworkers, but at a point, at least one person was surprised that I was drinking because I seemed so innocent and nice. I know that should not be a big deal to me, but it was. That is uncomfortable. Now, to the having sex part. I thought that I had wanted to sleep with this one friend again for a while. And I did. He is great and sweet. While the action was going on, however, I was not happy. I was not satisfied. And it had absolutely nothing to do with him. I talk to too many people and I get deep in my head. That is another aspect of my life that I want to put a conscious effort into fixing. I need to make an effort into deciding what I want before I actually leap into it so I can avoid hurting myself and others. That’s only fair, right?
Now back to alcohol. I should not drink. I know this. But I do. I left the friend I slept with’s house at around 7:40 this morning. I drove straight home, which only took about four or five minutes, and I took a shot of tequila here. Why? I’m not sure. I did it because it’s my off day, so why not? But also..WHY? I do things without really thinking them through, and I need to work on that. More so, I need to actually put more effort into what I say I need to do. Even more so, I should no be about to take a shot of tequila.
But I’m going to.